The inevitable

TW: death; suicide

Death can be a taboo topic, but it is an inevitable one. Within the past 2 weeks, I’ve had 5 deaths impact my life.

The one I really want to focus on is the first one which was a suicide. We worked together and I had only had a couple interactions with her. In all honesty, my first reaction was “I get it.” Anyone that has struggled with suicidal ideations “gets it.” Then, I became numb. That’s my defense mechanism when I’m not ready to process something yet. A heaviness lingered over me for days, but I was able to still function enough to get through each day.

A grief counselor spoke with some of us at work and he expressed how even if you didn’t know her personally, this could be triggering and I didn’t realize how accurate that statement was until recently.

Then the coinciding deaths and news happened. Each felt like a blow, but I was still standing. Mentally, I thought I was rationalizing the inevitable. Physically, I was missing all the signs that I truly wasn’t handling this well. Irregular sleep patterns, lack of appetite, lack of concentration, upset stomach, headaches, etc. Only a couple days ago I realized what I was feel physically is what I was trying to block mentally. I was doing what I’ve done in the past. Not allowing myself feel normal emotions to different situations.

So I’m processing all of this while being gentle and honest with myself. Life truly has a way of making you realize how precious it is.